Mexican Archdiocese Condemns Halloween

Finding itself yet again on the losing end of a popularity contest with young people, The Catholic Church's Mexican Archdiocese has condemned Halloween. Claiming "[t]hose who celebrate Halloween are worshiping a culture of death that is the product of a mix of pagan customs", the Church appears mind-numbingly oblivious to one of the most prominent Mexican holidays, the Day of the Dead.

The Mexican Archdiocese instructs its flock to "replace trick-or-treating with costume parties in which children dress up as a character from the Bible, and are given a bag of candy...to give away one piece to each of their friends with the words 'God loves you.'"

While we're on the subject of Pagan customs, lets not forget Christmas, a co opted version of Saturnalia, the Roman festival in which gifts were exchanged and candles were lit in honor of the god Saturn. Easter supplanted the a spring fertility festival named after the pagan goddess "Eostre".

ULC Minister Fights Back, PA Legislator Cavils

Lancaster County legislator Katie True is running scared. In a cordial but direct letter to her legislator, a constituent ULC minister challenged Ms. True on her support of PA House Bill 1099. The ULC minister wrote:
"PA House Bill 1099 is in direct conflict with the Constitution of the United States of America."

and later...

"There is no human being in the universe that can know the will of God and which religion is right or wrong. Do not presume that you can or do know God’s will."

further...

"The very idea of entertaining this bill at all places you at great
risk, as it would clearly cause you to violate your Oath of Office to
protect and uphold the Constitution of the United States of America."

"This violation, by definition, is an act of treason. With that fact in
mind, know that engaging in this disgusting perversion of the law puts you at personal and professional risk."

This part of the letter seems to have struck a nerve with Ms. True and instead of explaining her position, maybe for lack of a cogent argument, she cowardly replied:

"I find your...email threatening and have forwarded it to Pennsylvania's Attorney General's office."

The ULC minister ended her letter with the following powerful question and declaration.

"Which religion would the Officers of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania have me follow? The Roman Catholic Church, who harbors and protects rampant pedophilia? The Muslim Faith, where men, women and children are used as human bombs? I choose the Universal Life Church."

What is implied in the letter is that Ms. True's own actions are putting her at "personal and professional risk". The ULC minister enumerated this in her letter, explaining that The Constitution enjoins law makers and judges from abrogating the constitutional rights of the individual and that individual in turn has legal recourse to pursue damages against those who seek to deny them.

The Vatican Gay List

Father Tommaso Stenico was suspended from his position as head of the Congregation for the Clergy, the Vatican bureaucracy responsible for its priesthood, after an Italian TV station aired footage of him making advances on a young man. The meeting had been arranged over the internet where Fr. Stenico was invited to engage in sado-masochistic sex play and it was arranged that they meet in St. Peter's Square.

This is where the story gets even stranger. Fr. Stenico defended his actions by claiming that the meeting was part of his research into "...a diabolic plan by satanist groups who take aim at priests."

The Guardian quoted him as saying he "...wanted to carry out a study, probably for publication". He said he was a registered psychologist and psychotherapist and his aim had been "to study how priests are ensnared".

Now facing trial before the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, (of Inquisition fame), Fr. Stenico has resorted to blackmail. He claimed today that he has "a detailed dossier" of all the homosexual clerics at Vatican "with a list of names and circumstances implicating a certain number of priests and even bishops working at the Curia."

It is time for the Holy See to acknowledge that years of repression and persecution of homosexuals has been futile. This revered institution that burned the printing press, labeled fundamental laws of nature "heresy", and collaborated with the Nazis should wake up to the fact that the Keys of Heaven were thrown down a well in the Judean hills about 2000 years ago. Homosexuality is not a choice. You are just born that way. The Monastery embraces all people, a model for other churches to follow. We are all children of the same Universe.

Your Thursday Villanelle

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

---Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

-- Elizabeth Bishop

ORU Scandal followup

Our previous post broke the news to our readers of a lawsuit filed by three former professors at Oral Roberts University, detailing some of the allegations against University president Richard Roberts and his wife Lindsey. Today, Roberts announced that has stepped down from his post while maintaining his position as chairman of Oral Roberts Ministries.

Roberts continues to deny the allegations of misconduct on his part and vehemently denies juicier accusations that his wife was sexually involved with underage boys. "The untrue allegations of sexual misconduct by my wife have hurt the most." said Roberts in a statement to the press.

nod to NYT

Virgin Marriage

Sir Richard Branson, the golden-maned daredevil-tycoon, master of the Virgin empire can now add ULC Minister to his list of honorifics.

Branson became ordained in order to conduct a marriage between two Virgin Air employees. But this being Branson, the wedding could not be conducted in a simple cathedral, mosque, or temple; no it happened in United States airspace somewhere between San Francisco and Las Vegas.

Nod to Daily Telegraph

IRS Fourteen Points

What defines a church? This question has bedeviled tax courts for years. The IRS has adopted a list of 14 criteria set out in De La Salle v. United States. Commonly referred to as the “fourteen points test”, it is important to note that the judges in the case did not intend for there to be a minimum number of criteria an organization must meet in order to satisfy the definition of a “church” as enumerated in their opinions.

In applying the Fourteen Points analysis to determine whether a religious organization may properly be characterized as a church, the IRS considers whether the organization has the following characteristics:

1. Distinct legal existence
2. Recognized creed and form of worship
3. Definite and distinct ecclesiastical government
4. Formal code of doctrine and discipline
5. Distinct religious history
6. A membership not associated with any other church or denomination
7. An organization of ordained ministers
8. Ordained ministers selected after completing prescribed studies
9. Literature of its own
10. Established places of worship
11. Regular congregations
12. Regular religious services
13. Sunday schools for religious instruction of the young
14. Schools for the preparation of its ministers

Scholarly analysis of the Fourteen Points by Robert Louthian and Thomas Miller recognized that the determination of what defines a church cannot be made solely on the number of the Fourteen Points a church meets. To quote: “Given the variety of religious practice…Attempts to use a dogmatic numerical approach might unconstitutionally favor established churches at the expense of newer, less traditional institutions.”

The Monastery adheres to the Fourteen Points as we think it is better to err on the side of caution when dealing with the IRS as this book recommends. This is not, however, a tacit endorsement of the exclusionary and discriminating character of the Fourteen Points.

School for Scandal

Taking a page from the old Televangelist Scandal Playbook, the Oral Roberts family takes its turn at bat.

This AP article has the full story.

The Oral Roberts University was founded 44 years ago by its namesake who, upon receiving a spoken message from God, raised $8 million on his television show to build it. The campus buildings are hideous and ostentatious, much better suited for Dubai than the Oklahoma plains.

Among the allegations, the suit claims that Roberts supported a local mayoral candidate in direct violation of Federal Law that strictly prohibits non-profits' involvement in political campaigns.

Lindsay Roberts, the wife, is alleged to have used donations and University funds to support her lavish lifestyle of red Mercedes and boy toys. The Roberts' daughter was flown to the Bahamas on a senior trip in the University jet at a cost of over $29,000.

We are all children of the Same Universe

Famous Universal Life Church Ministers

Millions of people have become ordained through the Universal Life Church, some of whom gained fame on screen, as musicians and or through other contributions to popular culture.

Abbie Hoffman - Activist - 30-Nov-36 - Steal This Book
Emanuel Bronner -Business 1-Feb-08 Soap label philosopher
Paul Newman - Actor 26-Jan-25 Salad dressing magnate
Johnny Carson - Talk Show Host 23-Oct-25 Longtime host of Tonight Show
Alanis Morissette - Singer 1-Jun-74 Jagged Little Pill
George Harrison - Musician 24-Feb-43 Beatle
Reverend Al Ridenour - Artist 6-Mar-61 L.A. Cacophony Society
Lawrence Welk- Conductor 11-Mar-03 Big band leader, TV champagn
Anthony Perkins - Actor 4-Apr-32 Psycho
Hugh Hefner - Business 9-Apr-26 Founder of Playboy magazine
Ringo Starr - Musician 7-Jul-40 Beatle
Lydia Lunch - Musician 2-Jun-59 Punk and spoken word confrontationalist
Billy Gibbons - Guitarist 16-Dec-49 ZZ Top
Hunter S. Thompson - Journalist 18-Jul-37 Gonzo journalist and author
Sharon Stone - Actor 10-Mar-58 Basic Instinct
Madalyn Murray O'Hair - Religion 13-Apr-19 Atheist spokeswoman
Bryan Cranston - Actor 7-Mar-56 Father on Malcolm in the Middle
Ivan Stang - Religion -21-Aug-54 Church of the SubGenius
Susan Block - Talk Show Host c. 1951 Sexpert
Michael Newdow -Activist 24-Jun-53 Waged war against "under God"
Carson Kressley - TV Personality 11-Nov-69 Fashion Queer Eye guy
Jeff Probst - Game Show Host 4-Nov-61 Survivor
Susie Bright - Columnist 25-Mar-58 Sexpert, porn critic
Nicole Richie - TV Personality 21-Sep-81 Paris Hilton's ex-pal
Cory Doctorow - Author 17-Jul-71 Down and Out in the Magic Kingdom
Jesse James - TV Personality 19-Apr-69 Custom motorcycle builder, Monster Garage
Tony Danza - Actor 21-Apr-51 Dumb guy on Taxi
Paul McCartney - Musician 18-Jun-42 Beatle
Courtney Love - Musician 9-Jul-64 Kurt Cobain's one-time wife, Hole
John Cameron Mitchell - Actor 21-Apr-63 Hedwig and the Angry Inch
Tori Spelling - Actor 16-May-1973 Donna in Beverly Hills 90210
Debbie Reynolds - Actor 1-Apr-32 Dancer, actress
John Lennon - Musician 9-Oct-40 Beatle
Wolfman Jack - Radio Personality Crusty-throated disc jockey
Denis Leary - Comic 18-Aug-57 Loud, smoking comic
John Waters - Film Director 22-Apr-46 Pencil-moustached director
John Wayne Bobbitt - Victim 23-Mar-67 Penectomy survivor